Part – III

Rise of luminous gods

Section 1: Probe into past

Ageing before age

Earliest event

Indeed first pricking by my alien through my wife, comparable to the event of Iraq, was in 1974; and, there were indications that Swati victimized my wife and possessed her mind even before this date. How far earlier was the date when Swati took over the psyche of my wife to command my mind was a wild guess in the analysis during 2006? It could be as far back as September 1967, I felt. My mind was blanked to leave behind our most important item while going away from home on a tour. The date was barely four years after our marriage.

I had asked my wife to write a date-wise diary for the days of our separation during 1975-76. She had complied with the instructions and jotted down her feeling and ideas while I was in Iraq. Possibly her diary may give a clue regarding her possession by Swati, I guessed. The diary is in Hindi; and, I came across a page revealing the mental pressures upon her besides depressions – something vital to infer the phenomenon of her possession by my alien.

Page dated 6th March ’76: Evening

Received your letter; read it, and remained frozen for a while; then continued thinking for long. The letter has compelled me to think a bit of too much today. You are very sad, I felt after going through your communication. I too am unhappy. In spite of the topic our unhappiness being same, there is difference in their substance, however.

Do you know why?  You want to have things before time. Remember! Sixteen years ago you had asked for a boon from a goddess deep in Himalayas; and, she gifted you. Even Kali of Kalichauri blessed you. You were happy, and I too was. You accepted me as a gift from the goddesses alright, but there was some lacuna somewhere. Possibly you could not give importance to the gift from goddesses. Even five years were not over after our marriage, when you were talking of leaving the world for liberation. You have thought always considering yourself as lonely. Tell me, why do you take the self as lonely? Did you ever think of the future of your partner? Unconsumed desires don’t lead to liberation. Everything is achieved properly on time; else, one feels that time’s laughing at the attainer.

You have overlooked the reality of nature. Objects and things are thrown down in one stroke; but, nothing can go for long flying in air like these. It is appropriate to move step by step while climbing up. When the goal is far and path unknown one needs a partner. You are in illusion if you think that your partner will misguide you and be an impediment in movement. You live in desert these days, isn’t? Sands are before you day and night. Have you cared to see sand particles intently?   One of them looks adjacent to the other; yet how far from each other remain the particles.  Can’t you make your goal with some one as your partner?  Are you going to leave behind the object you got through the grace of God?

 Reading the biography of others is good; reading poets Soor or Tulsi is good; but, to compare them with you is improper. We have to find our way ourselves. We have to be an example for ourselves; else, a continuing indecision will not let us live with peace. This will end as ‘neither god attained nor the arms of beloved.’

Loneliness of emotions and the loneliness of intellect both pester me like you. I feel sad and weep; I have no indecisions like you, however. I am happy with what I got. You are aware of my mind well when I joined you. I was not detached from worldly comforts and amenities, but I gained aplenty something other than them in your association. I reconciled with many things initially through intellect and logic, but I discovered that these have become a part of my very nature through practice. They have become a bonus for me now. Deprivations don’t hurt me anymore; they become a part of my satiation as they arrive. You have been brooding on deprivations from your point of view alone and feeling unhappy; you’ve learnt nothing from me. My attainments are possibly higher than yours.

I’ve never discussed with you; but, mentally I am preparing for a day when you say “I can engage myself no more in the material world.” I’m striving to make myself capable of accepting such an event with a smile and without any unhappiness or hassle; and, leave behind everything earthly to move away with you. The day I finished the novel ‘Nayan Bahu’ depicting the Bowl life – moving with a begging bowl and singing divine songs – my decision firmed up. My indecisions have come to an end.

I don’t think much about the other world about which I know nothing. I do what I see right with my mind and thinking. But I cannot leave you. It’s all right, after your liberation (Moksh) you will move away to some place unknown, but so long I’m alive you’ve to give me company.   Other things apart, our separation has made it clearer that all happiness of life mean naught till the soul is at peace. When riches and glory are not the objects of happiness, then why hanker about them. I only pray to Lord Krishna for strength to leave everything to move away with you.

You have to wait, however, for your day of departure. Wait till time arrives. Wait till responsibilities of Vikas-Vibhas (sons) are over. Then you will discover that time is not laughing at you (as you are departing).